yea, i had heaps of chocolate left over from my party. :P not that i mind in the slightest. Ummm, some people were thinking about sticking hsc results up on a site, well ok it was only meagan, but when she suggested it a few people aggreed and if you want i can stick them up on my site. yes that would be starting with me but that would be on the proviso that i have other people's results to follow. *nudges all round*
yadayadayada
talk to you all later.
~.~

alright! I finally have time to write a proper thingo.
Is everybody looking forward to schoolies? yea i am...having my birthday while we are away also helps! :P *wink* *nudge*
nah just kidding. people who haven't rsvp'd to my party...it might be advisable to do so asap because if you haven't at this stage it is assumed that you are not coming...which is fine by me...that means i get more chocolate. :P
Yea everything else at the moment is going ok.
Work sux but i guess that is not going to change much until i find a new job. which i cant do till after schoolies otherwise i won't be able to organise time off. On an interesting note two of my three managers (yes, i am a handful) decided to beat each other up today. It got kinda dangerous though seeing as there is not enough room in our shop to even move around properly. let alone have a fight. anyways, one of them has a black eye and the other might have sprained his wrist. And then their mother got involved.; I think their ears are sore too. :P
Any ways talk to ya'll later.
keep safe
~.~

okays, congrats to those people who survived the chem exam and are now finished...YAYAYAYAYAYAY
anyways i just finished sending out emails for my place on saturday, BUT, i didn't have everyones email so i didn't send it to everyone. soooo,
my place on saturday. 3ish to 10 is unless youre staying the night. (evertone is welcome to if they want) ummm, no alcohol i think i forgot to mention that one. Dinner is gonna be pizza or hot chipps i think probably the latter.
it is NOT open house,most people know that but a few people did ask. If you have a girl/boyfriend (or both :?) they are welcome to come just let me know.
Bring your swimmers cause the pool is about 22(hey a keyboard doesn't have a degrees key!!! GRRRR)
i probably will repost the first page of my story cause i can't remember if i edited it again or not and this time i will keep going rather than leave it at the first page, (cause now i have time to write (: ) and i haven't forgotten that i am also going to get cierwens story up here soon too.
anyways talk to you guys later.
~.~

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!! to those crappy people who have finished their crappy three letter acronym thingy....(hsc- for those who are sick of english and never want to see any thing to do with it for the rest of their lives.)
AND..............for those of you who are still going, it will all be over soon. and then we can all go to my place on saturday...YAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!! :P

cuimhnich co` leis a tha thu
remember the men from whence you came
OLD GAELIC PROVERB
~.~

Why do i hate people so much?
Because they have the ability to be soooo cruel. To this day my heart skips a beat when i see the people that have been cruel to me. I shrink back into my imaginary shell and throw the thought 'I am invisible!' at them in the hopes that they won't see me and walk away.
And when they do notice your hurt and your feelings of betrayal, they make a choice to apologise or to go on ignoring them.
If they apologise...who do they apologise for? They apologise so that if you can't bring yourself to forgive them, it is all your fault. So they can live with a guilt free conscience. So they themselves can feel better about themselves while you still rely on your non-existent telepathy, and fragile shells.
And ironically it is the people who you trust the most who betray you worst.
Just like MJJ's lecture at the Oxford University.
'...If you enter this world knowing you are loved and you leave this world knowing the same, then everything that happens in between can be dealt with...But if you don't have that memory of being loved, you are condemned to search the world for something to fill you up. But no matter how much money you make, or how famous you become, you will still feel empty. What you are really searching for is unconditional love, unqualified acceptance. And that was the one thing that was denied to you at birth...'

7days to go and counting.
good luck to everyone and
don't worry to any one who is stressing.
~.~

okay...still only five people coming to the pre-formal thing...please get back to me because i need to know how many parents will be coming so that i can cater for them...i really don't need to if you are going to glebe...i just need to know if you are coming in the first place...please let me know

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!
how can some one dump you if you were never going out in the first place?
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!
by the way there are still only 5 people coming to the preformal party thing at my place. There is another thing happening at glebe park (if you want to know more about this talk to amanda lewis) so if everyone comes to my place there will be about 70 people there but if people are skipping my place and going straight to glebe there will only be 5 people. There for i may need to know who is coming and who isn't definately.
~.~

okay how is everyones' holidays going so far? Lots of study??? [insert taunting laugh]
well mine have pretty good....full of study and strangely enough bitching sessions with my mom (please excuse the french)...this sounds strange but is in fact a good thing seeing as my mom and i untill recent years have not got along very well.
Any ways back to the point...i just wanted to let everybody know that the RSVP for the preformal party is today...and as yet i only have five people coming..this is greatly disappointing. :(
So people please, if you could all get back to me ASAP i would muchly appreciate it...
Also for those of whom did not get the message, my new email address, my very own, NOT shared by my sister :) is
payal@ivebeenframed.com
okay so i will talk to you all later try to stay alive
~.~

Silence, Epmtiness, And Confusion
anon
Silence builds an awful wreckage of a girl
It feeds on lonliness and created a void
Grey shadows haunt and torment and torture
A teenager is stricken and destroyed

There is no sound of laughter orhappiness here
The little one has thrown in the towel today
Somber melancholy moods decay the soul
It is futile to hope and dream and pray

Emptiness builds a home in this woman
In this girl, this child where hollows have bred
A deepening sea of nowhereness consumes
And eats away at every connecting thread

Confusion feeds like a savage inside her,
Leaving nothing considered worthy remains
Destined to walk through life less ordinary
Alone, exiled, different and disdained.
~.~

Payal's Life Story (or more accurately Life Plan):

--> Try to be more positive.
--> Find someone to lean on.
--> Make other people happy.
--> Adopt terminally ill children.
--> Try and get over the negetive things that have happened in my life.

yes tim, by all means stick my life plan thing up.
ummmm, i haven't got a chance to write a proper blog together since this has gone up onto harrys spoon. so if you haven't read it before, it's really not as boring as it seems.
sorry if any on this offends any one as i have a habit of taking out my anger and frustration on this...a computor cant talk back at you :)
anyways will try to get something up of worth up here soon and if you have any ideas get back to me...
also the first page of a story that i was writing up on this thing has been archived already so ill keep writing it up from where i was up to and if you want to read it from the beginning talk to me and i will get you a copy.
~.~

In that case I expect another version of your life story, though it dosen't have to be 3 pages this time. Can I put up your other one here? I thought it was really good. And I'm not just saying that.

okay the week is drawing to a close and things are loking better. I finally can see the light at the end of the tunnel...and no im not dead yet. I know what im doing for most of my subject and know what i have to do for the rest of the time left be fore the hsc. I think its safe to say that im anm happy. Not to mention the fact that thanks to a little help by sayers i know what my life plan is for at least the next 10years.
No sayers sadly what i gave is not the complete plan although if you had asked me sometime last week, that is what you would have got. YAY for me! :)

in answer to sayers question...screw the school because im tired of going in short and the real reason will take to long to write. 'screw the hsc because im sick of hearing that i socialise too much and i am not capable of not getting a good mark so i shouldn't be upset if i do not get what i desire. screw people because people (who shall remain unamed) were really starting to bug me with their 'pretend to care about what other people think' act.

life is like a dream come true. except dreams never come true. dreams are just what keep you sane, keep you in one piece, when the real world gets crazy and is about to defeat you.

a dream coming true is just a part of what we want that isn't exactly 100% right but we convince ouselves that it is just so that we can avoid disappointment.
~.~

Why?

screw the school
screw the hsc and
screw everybody who can not be bothered to take the time to understand me before telling me to screw it

good luck to everyone in their trials...
~.~

So who wrote that story? It's actually really good. I sound like I'm surprised.

okay, the first entries have sort of relected how i was feeling at the time i wrote them. So at the moment i would just like to add that as i am not always that depressed or thoughtfull these blogs will vary greatly in tone. At the moment i would like to start adding my 'story' to these. It's my 'story' because at the moment there isn't very much of it and 'it' happens to be titleless. Cierwen is also wanting to add her story (Promise Me This) to this blog, in which case i will alternate between the two...anyways this is app. the first page of my story...oh, by the way anything in brackets is still part of the story but is meant to be italics...the story...

She sat silently. Watching. Waiting. Staring blankly ahead...
Around her, voices, inaudible amongst her thoughts.
(He hit me.) These words bounced around her head. Over and over again. She thought. (He hit me. ) She felt the anger bubble inside her until it reached a peak. She stood...
"Excuse me, Miss. We aren't done with you yet." A strong hand dropped down on her shoulder, "Would you mind staying another minute."
She sat. Observing for the first time the scene that surrounded her. Red and blue, the sirens flashed across her face. Police cars formed a neat semi-circle around the house, on the road. Blocking non-existant traffic in both directions. She wondered who called them.
("I'm only ten minutes late! The fish won't die! They can't tell the time you know!" Karen yelled as she crosses the living room floor, towards the tank.)
Stoically she answered the same questions repeatedly. She wondered if they had been specifically designed to catch her lying. She ran her fingers through her hair and pulled the blanket tighter around her scantilly clad body.
"Miss, we are done. Please don't go anywhere without informing us first," the burly policeman suddenly noticed her innocence, "standard procedure. I suppose you'd be wanting somewhere to stay until we get this place sorted. Cleaned at least."
She didn't think this was a question, but nodded anyway. At his request, she gave the address and allowed herself to be bustled into one of the cars.
Lights flashed across her face as she rode towards Brian's house. He would help. He had harboured criminals sucha s herself before.
("Don't bother feeding them now! I did that a half hour ago!" The voice rose from the recliner, low but accusing.
"Fine! Taking a shower! Don't disturb me! Karen stormed off.)
Sergent Hannogen pressed the buzzer and waited. The girl turned around and watched a butterfly flit around a rose bud. (Flutterby) she thought and the corners of her mouth nearly turned upward. Nearly.
The door opened and the girl swung around, throwing Sergent Hannogen off balance.
Brian failed to hide a scowl as he recognised her. She recognised the pain in his eyes and the strained expression on his face. She knew it well.
She walked towards the bathroom as Sergent Hannogen explained the situation to Brian. Their voices remained hushed.
"...gun...fish...brother...neighbour..." The voices still trailed along the hall. Brian's voice carried well. She would have to tell him that later.
("Karen, You'd better get your a*** back here if you know what's good for you!...I'll give you what's coming when I get my hands on you...SLUT!!!" )....

Okay that's the first page of my story so far. Next time i'll write cierwen's...or maybe i shouldn't. It's much better in contrast.
Anyways, anybody else who wants to be able to write on thisa thing just let me know and i'll add you...i may need your email address though.
~.~

Hey! Sayers here, posting for no other reason than to state my purpose.

Being a long time reader of this blog (as long as it has been going) I had wanted to be able to comment on some of the things that Pez was saying. So I got made a team member which means I can contribute to this blog in the same way Pez does. Of course this is her blog and, though I have attention seeking tendencies sometimes, I mean for it to stay that way. In other words - I'm not really going to say much apart from offer sometimes another angle or agree with what she says. I must thank her a lot though for giving me the privilege of being able to do this (that sentence sounds like it is only being said because it is the polite thing to do but I mean it). Actually I look forward to a good discussion or two soon, since I have been looking for something like this for a while.

A VERY PRODUCTIVE SENIOR SCIENCE LESSON...
And bec goes on about her obsessions. As in beckles. The obsession with her talking. She feels the need to talk continuously ( ithink thats spelt write.) "...she has things to say and only a short time to say them in..." quote
Bec will talk and talk until everybody has heard her story. The one about nothing...the one that has never been told before.
bec dares to go where no puppet has gone before. (cierwen will get that one.)
this blog is different because im writing in senior science and bec keeps talking...hence it has no meaning. Much like the story that bec keeps talking about the one about nothing.
This story is really very boring...she hasn't said anything about it for the past few mins. Bec left her mark..the  well that's fun.
~.~

Some math, for those who can't work it out for themselves...
In a week there are 7days, 4weeks to a month, 12 months to a year, yadda, yadda, yadda. Except there are really only five TYPES of days. There is the great day, the good day, the okay day, the bad day and the invisible day.
The Great Day
On this type of day, everything that you do makes you feel like spontaneously breaking into song and dance. Or something of the like. Its a great day. The best kind of day you can have. Nothing that can go wrong, does, nothing that anyone does can bother you that's how happy you feel. The sun shines over you and everything seems like a fairy tale, some sort of fantasy land.
The Good Day
This day is ONE of the best types of days to have (but not THE best). You still feel really happy but instead of having the urge to sing, its more of a hum that comes out. Instead of wanting to dance, you...move rhymically. It's a happy day where people can annoy you but happiness prevails.
The Okay Day
Where you feel neither happiness, nor unhappiness. It's a day when nothing can really turn your mood good or bad. It's a mediocre day. Pretty self explanitory.
The Bad Day
Nothing goes right on a bad day. All the things that you plan fall through. Things that you have been looking forward to for a couple of days get cancelled or rained out. Or you have a bad hair day or something to generally make you feel miserable.
Invisible Days
The ugliest of days to have, but strangely enough, no one notices. This is a day where everything that can go wrong does. Assesments that you spend all holidays working on come back and you realise that you have barely passed. Or not passed at all. No matter how upset you get, you try not to show it because other people are so happy.
The weather is great but storm clouds hang over your head. But sill no matter how upset you get, you are INVISIBLE. The days are truely the most ugliest days of all not because they are really upsetting or depressing, but because no one cares.
Invisibility seems to be the best part of the day. Think of all the great things that can happen when you really want to cry but no one wants to listen. When you want to curl up and wake up in a new lifetime and no one notices.

Have you ever woken up one morning and realised that you are not the 'you' that you once were. Or that you once aspired to be?
To think that you spent, what about say 16 years trying to be someone. Then you wake up and somewhere between 16 and 17 you changed. You started to actually talk to people. Maybe even trust them. To think that after how many years of trying to keep people out, you wake up and realise that you might not have succeeded as well as you hoped.
And even if you did let people in and trusted them, what's to say that they don't one day turn around and abuse that trust. Well people have been doing that for centuries, but what if this one time it was unforgiveable?
And why do people have such an obsession with trying to get to know other people. Isn't it enough to have someone to talk to. As oppossed to just thinking about stuff. Randomly letting your self get lost in your thoughts. Thinking too much is probably the way most new technology was invented.
And when we do think we know someone, do we really know them? Or are we simply thinking we know them because that's the side of them that they have chosen us to get to know.
And then when you meet some of their other friends they do this whole split personality thing. Where they try to be the same person that both people know. Say a party person and a freak at the same time. Split personality. They try to ba the same person thet they know each person knows.
'...and then there's that big awkward silence...' shrek
now he was a wise guy. he was an ogre to everybody. Well he was an ogre with a nice heart. nobody knew it though because he isolated himself away from them. No split personality. he appeared the same to every one and no one cared cbecause no one liked him except for the Donkey until the end with the ridiculous wedding and lovey dovey finish
~.~

'...she started blow drying her hair and wondered what it would be like to suffer from real depression. Serious, medication-dependent depression. To every morning wake up and mercilessly pick on yourself, refusing to see anything good in the mirror, to walk around the house dragging your lethargic, heavy shadow after you, to wish you were with anybody, anywhere, but here, with your own self....' except that's the only place she wanted to be
two canadian clubs and dry at the martini den by
gabrielle williams
~.~

Do people live for themselves or for other people?
Do we live a a playing piece on someone else's chess board, or some other remarkably slow unfolding game. Chess because it is slow, what one person does effects what the next does. If they try to ignore this they will end up in a horrible mess. Ultimately losing.
If someone convinces themselves that other people will have no effect on them what so ever will they be the same person in 10years time of will someone else's opinion on them no longer be valid because they themselves have changed due to their experiences.
Ok...so i have nothing to talk about. Today has been one dead boring day. Although....there's this thing. Do some people who go around judging people really judge them or do they judge themselves? More specifically...when will people get sick of telling me that i will go to hell?!
Just because i don't hold the same beliefs as someone else does, by no reason, mean that i have no morals. Just because i don't wholly believe in the religion that i was born into doesn't mean that i will reject every other religion that i am exposed to. For anybody who knows me, they know that i have strong beliefs. When i believe in some thing i believe in it whole heartedly. I do not believe in cancelling out a whole religion. I believe that it is still entirely valid. Just not what i believe i want from life. Not what i believe religion should be.
Waiting for people to get sick of telling me i'll end up in Hell
~.~

the philosophy is that if sit and think of the direction your life is taking you will somehow come to the realisation that you need god in you life?
how does this work?
Sometimes i believe when people tell me that god is real and that he talks to them works in their life and all that stuff, but, at other times i start to wonder is their faith really real?
Like at this really christian school, would it be 'cool' to be christian? and in which case is it really up to thse people to try and change the people who don't follow a certain religion?
And even so is it really up to them to pass judement on those who dont believe? because by trying to change them that is what they are doing.
they are passing judgements on what a person does or does not believe and then trying to change them so that it suits their own needs or so that they reap the rewards. If there are indeed any to start off with.
Does religion actually have a point?
To some i suppose they would find solace in the fact that they have someone to permanently rely on. Like that chick who gave her testimony at chapel today. She's been through a heck of a lot. And she believes that through it she found god...but is what she found just a pigment of some extraordinary person's imagination thousands of years ago?
Does god really exist? and can you believe in him with out the confines of religion?
does god really perform miracles? or is it just an event brought on by wishful thinking?
Can angels exist with out god to guide them?
Just a philosophical thought for today...