ok surprise of suprises...i'm actually going to post something.
AND even more surprising and rare-i'm going to lose my inhibitions for a few moments in time and actually post what i am really thinking.

ok...this is from a while back,when we all went to avoca (who could forget) well i'm sure that most paople may have noticed that for the whole week something was on my mind. (btw i am sincerely sorry for being a kill-joy for the entire week) and basically on the third night i decided to write stuff down; i thought if i wrote it down i may be able to forget about it at least untill we got back to sydney.

Ok anyways, enough rambling (*cough* stalling) and here goes.

tuesday:01.02.2004 (very early in the morning)
2.05am

my thoughts:
1 DO NOT tell me what i am or am not going to be
2 DO NOT allow you to isolate your self (yes-am quite aware that talking to yourself can be a very bad sign)
3 SNAP OUT OF IT!!!
4 Please donot expect me to follow the beliefs of someone who i have never met. (this one is completley unrelated to the topic of religion...fyi)
5 do not snap and start a fight (as a result of being on guard all week i got a little edgy)
6 do not treat me like a 2 yr old. let me make my own decisions, and more importantly, my own mistakes.
7 don't make me follow a religion that i have not truley believed in for 11 years. (ok so maybe i should speak up about this one)

my feelings:
1 Annoyed that i have been spending all this time wasted thinking about all of this.
2 Angry at myself for not having anough courage to speak up about why and what has turned me into what i am today
3 angry at a certain somebody for basically everything (this one maybe just a little edited-so maybe i haven't lost my inhibitions completely)
4 Frustrated that somebody could ever make me feel so vunerable and out of control
5 stupid for letting my emotions control my thoughts
6 let down by some of the people i at one time trusted the most

more thoughts: (about actions)
1 try to care more about other people => be less self centred
2 be more social
3 get to know more people that i don't know very well
4 try to help other people as much as i can
5 generally focus more on other people rather than self
6 worry more in proportion
7 try to keep 'me time' to a minimum so that the people surrounding me do not think i do not want to be around them

lates happenings: (may also appear to be slightly edited)
1 i have a 3 year curse on me which means that all i do or endeavour to do will lead to my undisputed failure
2 i will drown or have an accident involving water
3 renewed disbelief at my apparent religious beliefs
4 awe of my religious and cultural background and the severity of some of my beliefs
5 religion=>major pitfall. current studied (note the use of the word 'studied' not 'practiced') religion is not widely accepted and would label me as a satanist
6 ostracism from the feeling that i need to be different and stand out. loosing friends family even acquaintences. (this is 2 thoughts rolled into one and i don't think many people would be able to understand my train of thought for it-i know what i was thinking (: )
7 BATTELING THE STIGMA!!!

THE NEXT DAY- (the short version)
1. care more about other people than myself.
2 try to spend less time thinking and more time acting and trying to fix the things that i would potentially otherwise be thinking about.
3 try to be more honest with my self and other people-although only when warranted.
4 prove everyone wrong by doing the very best i can at absolutely everything i attempt. Do not give the people, i am fast losing respect for, a reason to doubt my capabilities and think i failed
5 Stop procrastinating!

ok so that's it. for the 20 odd minites i spent typing this up, i let a piece of the real me be exposed. i can't guarantee that it will happen again or vouch for any sort of consistency. But at least for this moment in time this blog has been transported back to its original purpose-which was to say everything i couldn't say for me.

oh, and for the record i think our group should have more one on one time with other people also in our group-i had fun in the city and i think our group is too 'group' focused. ok, have no idea how to get into words my very mixed up thoughts so i'll basically second everything sayers said.

(sayers thanks for thinking for me!)

~.~