Ok, so I smile right? Not just at certain times or when ever people crack funnys that aren't exactly funny. I noticed the other day that i kinda just dont anymore, and you know its bad when a few days later someone else tells you that you stopped as well. Its not just that i dont...its just that i never seem to be as happy as i feel like i used to. (except that its not really at all what i was like, i think its mostly in the post B era that i smile and was happy)

I cant really put it down to just one thing...but mostly i noticed that since i spent all my money on uni i just cant seem to care anymore and i really just dont know why. Its just like someone sucked all the important meaning out of my life and gave it away to other people. That was an entire 4 months of hard work just gone in about 10 minutes. I'm glad that other people around me seem to be happy and fine and all dandy and stuff but i want some too :(

I think its just that I realised that my life as i wanted it to be and wanted it to turn out will never actually happen. Well parts of it has changed for the better. But things that i wanted to do and just the way i wanted to be has changed and there are so many more other factors that i need to take into consideration now as well. Not that its a bad thing its just different and its depressing to think that i led myself to believe one thing my entire life and then to have it dawn on you that its just not going to happen. Even if certain things change nothing will go back. It just cant.

Mostly, its probably because the way i used to think was an immature simplistic way of seeing the world, and now i'm old enough to know better. But that doesnt make it any less sad for me. Sometimes all i want is to just get away from everything even if its only for a few days but i know that with uni and lack of proper work theres no way i can afford it and theres nothing i can do about...i think i just need a more permanent kind of break.